Dr Cox's Rants
by rchcc122
Summary: Dr. Cox from Scrubs rants to the Twilight characters.
1. Chapter 1

"I...I can't believe I let that happen to you Bella..." Edward stood next to Bella. She was lying unconscious in the hospital bed. She had been in a car accident. And he had seen it happen. He had been frozen for the first time as someone else called an ambulance. Now they were in a hospital. It was called Sacred Heart Hospital from what he remembered. He remained staring down at Bella's pale face as the beeping of the heart monitor made the only noise in the room. He didn't notice as the sun started to come from behind the clouds, lighting him up like a disco ball.

That's when another man, a taller one with curly brown hair walked in. His face had a scowl on it, one that frightened so many of his subordinates, as he watched the vampire mourn over the woman. "She's not dead yet, Dracula," he said. How Doctor Cox knew that Edwards was a vampire, I don't know. But Edward's probably going to ask pretty soon, so then Dr. Cox can tell us. He then remembered: he can read minds. He tried to prob into Dr. Cox's mind. Desperately reaching for some piece of information. But, like with Bella, he couldn't read this human's mind. Was this human really a human? But Edward decided he should just ask the question.

"How did you know I was a vampire?" Edward demanded with a threatening snarl.

"I didn't. I just said that to see if I could provoke an emotion and since I was able to get you to snarl threateningly at me, I'm guessing that my guess was, as people often say, 'right on the nose.'" Dr. Cox explained flatly.

"So what if I am a vampire? It didn't help me save her," Edward looked from Dr. Cox to Bella as the realization sunk in. She was here because he hadn't been fast enough to save her....

"By God glitter boy, if you're that emo why don't you just take out that Hello Kitty razor right now. And when you're done maybe you can put some nair on it. Then when she wakes up she'll look down to see you writhing in pain and think 'how the hell did this pansy get me pregnant?'And then she'd feel bad for insulting pansies because, despite popular belief, they are very durable flowers. So then she'd have to think of another damn flower but then that will cause her more mental pain because we all know it isn't good for girls like her to think. Then when she finally figures it out, you'll finally figure out how to turn her into a vampire _without_ fangs. Then, glitter boy, you and glitter girl can go off and save the day from the evil glitter girls, glitter boys, and those damn puppies no one puts a collar on."

Once Dr. Cox was finished with his rant, the Janitor walked in, sweeping the floor. He looked up at Edward then back to Dr. Cox, "Is he gay?" he asked.

"Dear God, don't insult gay people like that," Dr. Cox said with an exasperated sigh.

**A/N: Okay. I hate Twilight. My friend loves Twilight. So we both came up with a way to enjoy it a little more. Have Dr. Cox do one of his famous rants to him. We also have one for Jacob that I'll put up later if people like this. Just...everyone loves Dr. Cox's rants XD I know I do XD**

**Anyway. Please, don't kill me too bad for this. It was half my Twilight-loving friend's fault. (Especially the 'Gay' part. That was her fault.) **

**Oh, and one of my best friends is gay. So keep the homophobic comments to yourself.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Jacob Black stormed through the white halls of Sacred Heart Hospital. He had heard about what that- that vampire had caused. How he had caused _his_ Bella to be harmed so horribly. He kept his steps firm, seething through his very core as he turned the corner into Bella's hospital room.

"YOU STUPID, NO GOOD, WORTHLESS CREAT-" his voice built, getting louder and louder as he puffed out his chest, his body becoming one giant mass as he moved through the doorway. But he was soon cut off by a middle-aged doctor who seemed to be, at the moment, mocking him.

"And speaking of Fido, here he comes now. Come here boy! Come here!"

Jacob, almost instinctively snapped at him, "I am NOT a dog!"

"No. Technically, you are not a dog. You are a wolf. But I refuse to insult wolves like that. Therefore, 'dog' is the most appropriate name for you. But… dogs do have a higher IQ than you, Fido. So I guess you've been demoted again. This time to 'puppy.' But, puppies are normally cute, cuddly, and they pee everywhere and seeing as how only one of those three things applies to you- let me give you a hint on which, it isn't behind door number one or two- I am forced to ask: what was it like being the runt?"

The Janitor looked at Jacob, sighing, "Well, now I need to get a flea collar too…."

* * * Bonus* * *

Alice had heard about Bella's accident, and she was worried about both Bella and Edward. She had no idea how Edward was going to take it all. He was normally so strong; he had always been the one protecting Bella. And then to have her get hurt so badly? It must have taken a toll on him.

Before she walked into the hospital room, she saw something weird. Wait… no, her power must be off or something. There was no way- her eyes widened at what she saw. There was Jacob, in tears, his head in Edward's shoulder as Edward comforted the other man, equally as saddened as tears fell from his eyes. She looked to the doctor to see what was wrong. Did Bella get worse? Could she be…dying?

She watched as the doctor's eyes scanned the room before landing on the newcomer. He paused for a moment, choosing what words to use this time. When he came to a conclusion on how to at least start (he'd make up the rest later) he opened his mouth for a third rant. But before any sound was actually uttered, Alice burst into tears.

"Dammit!"

"Okay… so I need a flea collar _and_ a mop," the Janitor was taking notes on a pad of paper before looking up, "Got it."

**Here's Jacob's.  
And Alice's.**

So yeah, I hate Twilight, sorry, I just do. I tried to like it and failed. But I do like Scrubs.  
But my Twilight-loving friend helped write the rant.

I don't own either Scrubs or Twilight.


End file.
